Thistle and Weed

“I couldn’t face a life without your light, but all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight, so save your breath I will not care, I think I made it very clear, you couldn’t hate enough to love, is that supposed to be enough? I only wish you weren’t my friend, that I could hurt in the end! I never claimed to be a saint, my own was banished long ago, it took a death of hope to let you go…”

People have different opinions, we are are all entitled to that privilege. We can even from there be with people who have different opinions, the trick is, to understand how to consult, talk, and work around these things to arrive at the point that will make both parties happy..

The problem is; when someone doesn’t realize or respect the fact that there are two different opinions. At that point trying to explain to them, to help them see things from your own perspective, is the most wasteful thing to do… because they won’t see it.

Simultaneously, when you tell that person to HAVE an opinion (even if they have one), they wont voice it, because they know you will have a different one, and they dont see the point to coming up with an opinion. What they are doing here, is they are taking away that most important part of a relationship… they are taking away that component that allows for a consultation, for a solution that will make you both happy. Instead what the outcome of this will be is that one of you will state and opinion, the other will just go with it, till they wake up down the line and hate you for everything it is you made them go through.

The power of making a decision is an important one to me. And I recognize that my life is anything but simple, but one thing i have never had any doubts about, is WHERE it is I want my life to go.. or what it is I want to do in this world, that is my identity… for someone to project their own lack of decision making abilities and insecurities on me, will only confuse me… and that is a toxic mistake for me!

My life is complicated, it’s just who i am, which is why I do not need someone who cannot form opinions by my side.. i need someone who will be able to FIGHT with me.

because he doesn’t see it that way, because he is unable to see my “perspective”, he will also be unable to see why it is that I see it as important, and will in turn be unable to see what it is that I broke up with him..

I walk out of this being the bad guy, and I accept that.

IT’s just how it is.

Use your words

IT was a funny afternoon yesterday, I generally haven’t been feeling well for days, and so, as I spent the afternoon shuffling around my room, doing my readings and what not, a song came on the radio, that completely threw me off… so you understand why, I was completely put off by this song..

here are some of the lyrics:

It’s been said and done, every beautiful been already sung, and I guess right now, here’s another one, so your melody will play on and on with the best of ‘em. 

This is where my problem with the song started, this is the verse that drew my attention, and made me snap to a WTF mode, and then there as this chorus, that really got me thinking, is she really saying what I think she is saying?  and so I immediately googled the song, and it’s lyrics, just to read what the point of this song was.. 

You are beautiful, like a dream come alive, incredible
A centerfold miracle, lyrical
You’ve saved my life again
And I want you to know baby

I, I love you like a love song, baby

I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
And I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
I, I love you like a love song, baby
And I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat
Turns out, Selena Gomez, was saying what I think she was saying, she was saying that “she loved like a love song”, how is that even an expression?

My first thought was to see why she was comparing her love to him, to that of a love song. I failed miserably.

She starts off by saying, “that every beautiful thoughts already been sung”, and seemed intent on describing him in spite of the fact that these thoughts had already been let out into the universe, she too needed to add her bit to the universe. What saddens me, is that she could have re-iterated a hundred beautiful love songs, but instead… came up with this.

What does it mean to ” love someone like a love song”? does it mean, that you want to live in that song forever?  does it mean that you feel like the love song is the amount of time you want to love them for, or how you want to love them ? because I mean .. realistically speaking, many lovesongs are heartbreakingly tragic.

Moreover, why even use that expression, use your words child… expand your vocabulary, there are a hundred thousand ways you can describe the way this makes you feel.. instead.. for several minutes you keep saying, to love like a love song, that you keep wanting to repeat.

it makes no sense

Randomly

So many cards that never leave the deck, there comes a time when you have to place your bets. And i’ve never been a gambling man, and if you want to see my hand; ask me now and I won’t hesitate. ‘Cause i’me fearful of heights and you take me higher.. what came with you, was a view to admire. I’ve always been the type to contemplate, but you like the kind that don’t hesitate. 

“There is no plea as desperate as thinking regarding another, “you better be worth it”. Worth what? What the universe tests your mettle with.” 

A friend tweeted this, this morning, and got me thinking…

How is “worth” determined?

Is it measured in good qualities; honesty, kindness, and commitment. Could it be measured in actual monetary value, I mean we hear it all the time, “Worth X amount of money”. Or could it be determined, through the things you do in life, through the friends you have, the legacy you left behind? is it a combination of all the things I mentioned.

And how do you measure, if someone else if worth your time? worth your energy?

It’s more of a philosophy, I know, there is no science to this thought.. not formula, which is good, because I don’t do well with formula’s.

 

 

The Lengths That I Would Go To….

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I’m
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I’ve said too much
I set it up
Consider this
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I’ve said too much

 

I’m a “glass half full” type of person, generally. I have a lot of faith, that things will work out in the end, and if they have yet to worked, well then, that’s just because you haven’t seen the end.

I am fully aware that this “pocket full of sunshine” attitude of mine, sometimes bothers those around me, but I can’t help it, I have way too much faith to even remotely think otherwise…

I believe people are inherently good…

I believe that everything happens for a reason…

and to take those beliefs one step further, I also believe that some of God’s greatest gifts to us, are his unanswered prayers.

When you combine this with things that I have done, places I have been, and things I have seen and experienced in life, you may develop a better understanding as to why it is that I am the way I am.

Sometimes though, just sometimes, that kind of Faith doesn’t get me through the day… and unfortunately, i’ve been experiencing that a lot more than usual these days. I reach the end of the day, and I get so tired, that I wish I were in bed, but before allowing myself to go to bed, I start listing all the things that I have to do, and because of where I am in life, that list is pretty extensive. Then I start to worry; What if I don’t get into grad school (which is likely), and I don’t get a job (also likely), and on top of that, What if my residency in Canada doesn’t come through? what if I am stuck in this situation for an extremely long time.. Then I tell myself I shouldn’t have studied what I did, and I should have aimed for an engineering degree, or business, something that would guarantee me a job the second I graduate, before I graduate even.

That kind of worry is almost indescribable, it’s like the walls are closing in on me, they are coming closer together, inch by inch, until there is no room to move. It’s almost ironic, because I am somewhat claustrophobic, I don’t like closed in spaces, my palms start sweating, and my heart starts racing. Before, I can even try to calm myself down, I run out of breath, like i’ve run a marathon, I can’t breathe, my lungs constrict, and I can’t hold on the the walls because my palms are too sweaty to hold a firm grip, stars start appearing, blurring my vision, my chest won’t allow my lungs to expand… and finally I give in to the darkness.

The thing is, I am also generally the type of person who enjoys a challenge, I enjoy delving into situations that seem tricky, because I enjoy finding solutions. I have this ability to look as situations from an “outside the regular box” perspective, and so, I approach situations from a different angle, and I generally succeed in finding a solution.

The problem with this particular phase I am going through in life, at the moment. Is that there are too many unclear variables, too many of them are “iffy” and these iffy variables, have succeeded in wholly blurring my vision to the point that I haven’t been able to use my regular approach to solve the problem.

I’ve been trying for months to convince myself that those walls I feel are caving inch by inch, they are only there because I have allowed them to be there.

And yet, I haven’t been able to push them away forever!

So tell me now, where was my fault?

Can you lie next to her, and give her your heart, as well as your body. And can you lie next to her, confess your love, as well as your folly. And can you kneel before this king, and say “I’m clean” 

 

 

This place where we stand,

Right here, right now.

It’s hauntingly familiar;

This is somewhere you and I have been before.

The familiarity creeps in,

And eventually, it succeeds in paralyzing me…

It isn’t the feeling that I get when I am with you, that scares me,

It’s the thought of what will happen to me if you were to let go again!

Things in my head, you used to admire!

I’m talking to you, but you’re not listening, I don’t know what to do, my heart is blistering, writing this song… 

 

If there was a way to describe what our friendship was like, it would be, co-dependent!

I can’t remember when I met you, or how long i’ve known you for, but one thing I know for sure, is that you occupied an extremely special place in my heart. Now that place is left vacant.

You were the brother I didn’t know I had, and the friend I needed in the most dire times. And now the older I grow, the more I feel that the gap you left in my existence grows bigger.

I don’t know what happened, and I don’t know what it was that made you leave and not look back, but I miss you a lot.. the only reason that I am writing this now, and haven’t before is because a lot of things in my life have changed now… and I can’t help but wonder what you would say to me, or ask about, or even, what you would think about the things I have done, places I went, and things I intend to do.

I don’t know why, I’m usually too proud to say some of this stuff, but it is the case here that I know exactly how it is that stuff ended up the way they did, and I know there is no point dabbing old wounds in salt.

But sometimes, and just sometimes, I wish you would apologize and we could move on with our lives.

This is one of those nights.

 

May God’s Love Be With You… Always.

Being caught in between all you wished for, and all you see. And trying to find anything that you feel, that you can believe in!

 

Last week was the anniversary of 9/11, ten years have passed, and the world has indeed moved on in many ways.

As I walked up to Parliament Hill in order to see how the anniversary was being celebrated, and the flags that were raised in order to honor… well for the lack of a better way to put it, everything, and everyone.

All I could think of at that moment, was where I was this moment ten years ago. To start off, I was 12, and living in Saudi. I’m now twenty two, living in Canada, and I have no idea where i’m going to be next semester. If you think of it, ten years in the long run is not a long time. But in those ten years, I grew up, graduated highschool, graduated from university, went on a year of service,  now i’m looking into grad school, looking into jobs, and just genuinely wondering what the future holds.

For me the idea of 9/11 no longer is about who did what, I was too young to understand it then, and because of my field of study now, I don’t like thinking about it. I do know one thing, it was a turning point for the world.

Turning points scare me a little, the ends of stuff make me anxious. I’ve been very lucky to have an amazing support system, and over the years i’ve gotten better at it.

I’ve learnt that life is all about perspective. Everything is all about perspective, something that may not have seemed possible to me 5 years ago, or appealing to me 3 years ago, has now become the center of focus.. it is scary how growing up changes us.

From where I am standing right now, i’m terrified at the number of possibilities in my life, the number of potential paths to take, and places to go, and now, it seems I may have found someone to go on this amazing adventure with me.. The idea to just close my eyes and jump is tempting, but I promised myself that I would be more mature about the way I make my decisions..

Point is, that change happens whether we encourage it or not, and life goes on. So there is nothing to do but embrace it.